The Suddeness of Life & Death!!!

I saw a beautiful Bird, just lying on the ground.
At first, I thought it injured, didn’t make a sound.

It wasn’t till I edged closer to it, that realized it dead.
My appreciation of the Bird’s beauty turned to dread.

It was a stark reminder, of the fact that Life is so short.
And, that Allah may take our lives, without any report.

He gives & makes Life so incredibly lovely.
But, then He imposes Death which is ugly.

It’s so painful, to witness the lifelessness of something once so elegant.
It stands as a sign that nothing lasts forever, lest we become arrogant.

The purpose of passing through life into Death, is to meet Allah on a higher plane.
But, if you choose to do what you wanna do, then, your Hereafter will be bane.

Gareth Bryant/2014

My reflections on the first 3-Decades of my Life:

#Swagger-Overload

You know, honestly, I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about the first 3-decades of my temporal, mundane, earthly existence, commonly called Life (May Allah grant me yet another 3-decades & more decades thereafter, Amen)…

…I’ve been thinking about fortunate I’ve been, thanks to the favors of Allah, the Creator/Lord of the Universe…the fact that my mother didn’t abort me, and that my father never abandoned me, makes me ever more grateful, and sentimental, as well as pensive, regarding the fact that these 32-years (according to the Islamic-Calendar)/31-years (according to the Gregorian-Calendar) of my life, upon this magnificent planet, called Earth, achieving what I’ve already achieved, and preparing for what I’ve yet to achieve…

…None of this, at all, is really my exclusive doing; rather, it is more so than anything manifestations of the bounties of Allah, descended upon me, even without me being deserving of them; yet, in spite of me not being worthy to live this long & to do so much, Allah, as a result of His magnanimous wisdom and mercy, has decided that He has great plans for me, and I just hope that His plans for me doesn’t expire, anytime soon…

…Oh, Allah…You are Greatest!!!

2012 in review:

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 29,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 7 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.

My Desperate-Outcry to my Noble-Savior!!!

Oh…Allah!!! My heart is in pain, it hurts.
I know that, in your sight, I’m the worse.

You have given me my faith, and correct-guidance, while I still rebel.
I’m so afraid to meet You, because, I feel that I’ll go straight to Hell.

I know that disobeying You is not at all in my interest.
And, I know that I have no excuse to not do my best.

It is, clearly, myself and not You, to blame.
My weak religiosity is a sham and a shame.

I’m so weak, You are so strong & am fully aware that I do wrong.
But, I still sin; and, I know that I won’t get away with this, for long.

My only chance is for You to overlook my disgusting disobedience to You.
I need You to give me the strength to commit and keep Your covenant true.

Why You’ve chosen to preserve me, while I disobey You, for so long, I may never know.
I can only think & speculate, that, in spite of my impetuous behavior, You still love me so.

I must Love You in return & stop rebelling; be dutiful to You only, to start caring.
My reckless actions are unacceptable; but, I know I can change & I am capable.

It’s up to me, because You have given me the choice & tools to get better.
You have given me the abilities to survive in any terrain and in any weather.

It is my obligation, to You, to improve, and to always move forward.

Gareth Bryant/2012

The Opera of Obscurity

My yearning for Isolation:

I wish I were still in the womb.
I’d like to call it my birth-tomb.

It is just like a Cocoon, in it I am wrapped inside.
Divorced from the world, my perfect way to hide.

Protected, unjudged, allowed to be free, and unplugged.

No one’s here to disturb or mock me.
I’m in a place no one can enter or see.

My privacy is an actuality, not just a mere ideal.
I want true peace of mind, something that’s real.

In the outside world, I feel hated, unwanted and unloved.

The Facade that I’ve established:

People always say, “Wow…you’re a really good brother.”.
But, when I see myself, I only really see myself as another.

I see utter ugliness that’s within me, that I don’t want to be revealed.
So far, I’ve done a lot to keep the skeletons in my closet concealed.

However, the truth is all known to Allah, I can’t hide anything from Him.
Don’t be surprised that when I die, my legacy ends up looking quite dim.

Oftentimes, the truth about people are never discovered, until after their demise.
What they hide from the world eventually gets exposed, what an ironic surprise.

My only hope is that Allah spare me embarrassment in death, the way He’s spared me in life.

The Lifelong Road:

Never did I ever think that my odyssey to find myself would make me even more lost.

However, I must stay the course, find what I’m still looking for, regardless of the cost.

What I need to discover is more important than the pain of treading the road to find it.

Everything in life is hard; however, giving up makes nothing any easier.

It’s better to struggle and never win, than to settle for being the looser.

This world is like a puzzle & I must remove all of the pieces in my life which don’t fit.

This life is but a dense forest; yet, I must clear my own path.

And, it must be done right, to secure me from Allah’s wrath.

Gareth Bryant/2012

The Enemy Within:

Each & every one of us are victims of our own regression.
But, we often blind ourselves, denying the self-oppression.

We enjoy living the candy-coated lie, constantly keeping us thinking we are not at fault.
The truth is that we’re all the greatest culprits, just like bank-robbers, stealing the vault.

We don’t want to look into the mirror, to see the true tyrant enough.
It’s so difficult, and, we are so afraid to face the facts, it’s real tough.

Whenever we sin against Allah, we just perceive that it’s okay.
Then, we have the nerve to complain, if we don’t get our way.

We play the game of Chess, that we can never win.
It’s already checkmate, before the game can begin.

Allah controls the entire Universe; so, how can you possibly expect to beat your Lord?!!!
Each of our tests, in the Mundane, are represented by the pieces, on this temporal board.

The Bishops are the helpers of the Devil, attacking at every angle, they tempt us with everything.
The Pawns are the petty issues, that we all take so seriously; they’re illusions, they mean nothing.

The Knights are like our lifespans on Earth, each & every day that we live, depleting.
They stand as constant reminders, for us, that time is something that is always fleeing.

The Rooks are one in the same, they’re the beginning and end in this Mundane.
They are the gates of life & death, leading us in & out of this temporary terrain.

The Queens are the Angels sent to take all of our souls, when Allah wants us back.
We cannot resist this; it is like we have lost, before the fight; we just cannot attack.

And the Kings are us, only able to make one move, at a time; and, still, we can’t escape.
We cannot dance around this chessboard forever; and, there’s no one who gets a break.

We’re just so powerless; we have no chance against any chessboard piece.
Only through Allah’s help can we possibly be rescued, from our self-defeat.

Gareth Bryant/2012

My Cocoon-Diaries Part III:

Author’s note: My Cocoon-Diaries are poems and/or general writings which contain self-reflections for me, how I’ve been living & how I should’ve not been living, over a significant portion of time that I’ve taken to limit my social-spheres & social-interactions. It’s been a time for me to dig deep within myself, to wrap myself up in an anti-social cocoon, to find any & all problems within myself, in order to fix them, with the help of Allah, of course. I know that a lot of people thought it strange of me to just take some steps back from my social-spheres & place limits on my general social-interaction. But, this has been a necessary move on my part, to figure out what exactly is wrong with me, as a Muslim, so that I can further tread the path of guidance, which is Islam, with as little personal obstacles in my path as Humanly possible. This is my final installment of these posts of isolation & self-reflection.

This is my journey…

…please, join me:

The Springtime has arrived. Yet, unlike the new flowers in bloom, I’ve still not sprung up from the ground of obscurity. With my mission not yet complete, I still feel the need to press onward, to keep going forward with this journey, as long as it takes. I have become stronger, yet, still yearning for more to improve upon. However, I’m not sure whether I should stop where I am though. I mean, it’s been a pretty lengthy amount of time that I’ve been doing this. This particular season that has befallen us is representative of renewal & rejuvenation. It is my sincere hope that I can truly be one who has rejuvenated into someone who has evolved into someone a lot better than when I had initially started this journey.

If Allah wills, I will be successful at this self-reflective odyssey & get back on track. I have been wondering whether this had been the right decision, doing this all on my own, without really explaining to anyone why I wanted to do this so badly, or why I’ve even decided to do this at all, without even consulting someone else, to perhaps give me some support in all of this. I came to the conclusion that since no one (other than Allah, of course) really knows my problems better than I do, then, it’s only intelligent for me to seek out the solutions to my problems by myself & for myself. I know, it seems kind of selfish to think this way. But, in all reality, self-reflection at its core is a selfish thing: You have to look into yourself, define/redefine yourself, correct yourself, it ends up being all about you anyway.

So, in a since, this would be a positive type of selfishness, only because I yearn to grow & become better. All of my life, I’ve been doing things purposely, to define myself & to constantly, consistently, seek self-improvement. But, very few things that I’ve done actually achieved this desired goal. Becoming a Muslim, in fact, still remains the most important venture of self-discovery, self-definition & self-improvement that I’ve ever embarked upon in my life. Yet, even as a Muslim, there’s still so much that I’ve not tap into, from an Islamic academic perspective (i.e. religiously, I’m still ignorant as hell & need to learn so much more), from a character perspective, from a maturity perspective, and in regards to so many other perspectives, there’s just so much more in which I need to improve upon, for myself & my own self-development, that it’s very often frustrating, that I haven’t achieved that as yet. So, this has become an ample opportunity for me to take the time/make the time to step back and conceal myself, in order to achieve this goal that I’ve set for myself.

The Lifelong Road:

Never did I ever think that my odyssey to find myself would make me even more lost.

However, I must stay the course, find what I’m still looking for, regardless of the cost.

What I need to discover is more important than the pain of treading the road to find it.

Everything in life is hard; however, giving up makes nothing any easier.

It’s better to struggle and never win, than to settle for being the loser.

This world is like a puzzle & I must remove all of the pieces in my life which don’t fit.

This life is but a dense forest; yet, I must clear my own path.

And, it must be done right, to secure me from Allah’s wrath.

Gareth Bryant/2012

My Cocoon-Diaries Part II:

Author’s note:

My Cocoon-Diaries are poems and/or general writings which contain self-reflections for me, how I’ve been living & how I should’ve not been living, over a significant portion of time that I’ve taken to limit my social-spheres & social-interactions. It’s been a time for me to dig deep within myself, to wrap myself up in an anti-social cocoon, to find any & all problems within myself, in order to fix them, with the help of Allah, of course. I know that a lot of people thought it strange of me to just take some steps back from my social-spheres & place limits on my general social-interaction. But, this has been a necessary move on my part, to figure out what exactly is wrong with me, as a Muslim, so that I can further tread the path of guidance, which is Islam, with as little personal obstacles in my path as Humanly possible.

This is my journey…
…please, join me:

My journey to keep myself voluntarily socially limited has been a good experience for me, thus far. It’s allowed me to accept the fact that I am the reason for so many things gone wrong in my life (marriage particularly & especially). It’s compelled me to look at my life as is & figure out where I’ve come from thus far and where I need to take myself further. Also, I’ve learned to realize how many wrong decisions that I’ve made in my past. Thinking back on my past, particularly when it comes to relationships, I noticed that when it came to just being with girls, it was no effort on my part at all. It was like girls would just fall into my lap. There was a situation where that actually happened, but again…that’s another post, for another day…
…anyway…yeah, you get the point. But, unfortunately, every single time that I’ve tried to do things right & get married, it’s been one epic crash-and-burn scenario after another. I started to say to myself, “Well, maybe this is from Allah’s justice, to make me suffer & not get a good sister, as a result of the sins that He chose to not immediately punish me for in the past.”. At the time, much like now, this seems like the only sensible conclusion that I can possibly bring myself to. It could very well be the result of my sinning that has prevented me from getting married. I mean, it does make a lot of sense, considering my horrible track-record, when it comes to the pursuit of marriage.

So, beyond that, there’s the need for me to just improve my connection with Allah, which I have felt that I’ve been not doing enough of, generally, in consolidating this connection. And, perhaps my social-solitude may be able to provide me with the tools to refortify my connection with Him. I’ve been wanting to do this for awhile, to just isolate myself, but I guess that I’ve never really had the courage to do so, to admit that I would actually need to just get away from everything & everyone, at least for a little while, in order to get my life back on-track. The irony is that I seem to have painted a picture of myself as this stand-up kind of guy. But, when I really decided to take a step back & observe myself, I’ve finally realized how much personal improvement I am to make, in order to truly be the Muslim, the man, the Human being that Allah wants, commands & expects me to be.

The Facade that I’ve established:

People always say, “Wow…you’re a really good brother.”.
But, when I see myself, I only really see myself as another.

I see utter ugliness that’s within me, that I don’t want to be revealed.
So far, I’ve done a lot to keep the skeletons in my closet concealed.

However, the truth is all known to Allah, I can’t hide anything from Him.
Don’t be surprised that when I die, my legacy ends up looking quite dim.

Oftentimes, the truth about people are never discovered, until after their demise.
What they hide from the world eventually gets exposed, what an ironic surprise.

My only hope is that Allah spare me embarrassment in death, the way He’s spared me in life.

Gareth Bryant/2012

My Cocoon-Diaries Part I:

Author’s note:
My Cocoon-Diaries are poems and/or general writings which contain self-reflections for me, how I’ve been living & how I should’ve not been living, over a significant portion of time that I’ve taken to limit my social-spheres & social-interactions. It’s been a time for me to dig deep within myself, to wrap myself in an anti-social cocoon, to find any & all problems within myself, in order to fix them, with the help of Allah, of course. I know that a lot of people thought it strange of me to just take some steps back from my social-spheres & place limits on my general social-interaction. But, this has been a necessary move on my part, to figure out what exactly is wrong with me, as a Muslim, so that I can further tread the path of guidance, which is Islam, with as little personal obstacles in my path as Humanly possible.This is my journey…
…please, join me:I’ve decided that enough was enough. I’ve been tackling a lot of issues, since the last failed marriage-attempt of mine had run its course. Honestly, there were so many things happening all at once, during the time that the sister, whom I was speaking with at the time, had called things off, that I didn’t even take the time to absorb the fact that it was really over. I just accepted it as it was, another failed marriage-attempt. It was like I didn’t even care whether it had ended. Now, this may or may not have been a good thing for me to not care, but that’s the way it played out.

I would say that the main reason why I chose to emotionally secure myself, via indifference, from this situation was because I was dealing with more pressing issues at the time, like dealing with some ignorant Muslims, who cared more about my dress, than the advice that I had given, during a Khutbah (weekly Islamic religious sermon on Fridays). But, that story in & of itself is for another post, for another day. Anyway, back to the present…
…I was preoccupied with something else to truly encapsulate the fact that this sister was no longer willing to take things further. Honestly, based upon my track-record, I wasn’t even surprised that she opted out. I mean, marriage is the only thing that I’ve ever pursued in my entire life that I’ve been a constant & consistent failure at.

No, I’m not trying to acquire pity-points, I’m being dead-serious. From the time that I was 18 years old, failed attempt after failed attempt, after failed attempt. But, when this particular sister whom I felt really strongly about, thinking that it might actually work called it quits, I had suddenly came to the realization that in light of everything else that had happened during that same weekend, plus the sister calling things off, made me accept the fact that maybe the actual problem lies within me.

Maybe I am the “bad-guy”, maybe I am the arrogant, obnoxious jerk that some people have accused me of lately. Upon that acceptance, it was then that I had decided to establish limitations on which events I would go to, who I would hang around, where I would generally hang out, etc. Now, whether this actually works, to help me improve, well I don’t really know, but hell…at least it’s worth a try. So, in short, those two particular incidents that I had mentioned earlier jump-started my self-reflection odyssey, to find out what is it about me that makes things fall apart in my life, what is it that has caused me to be the man, when it came to non-martial relationships & an utter failure, when it comes to pursuing a spouse, what is it about me that cause some to always wanna be around me & others to regret the day that they’ve ever met me.

Yeah…I know, it’s a lot to figure out, and I’ll probably never figure this out. Yet, I still must venture into this realm of self-evaluation & I have to do this on my own. I just hope that I truly do find a way to rise & improve, before looking back ten years from now & regretting everything that I ever done, viewing myself as a lifelong looser.

My yearning for Isolation:

I wish I were still in the womb.
I’d like to call it my birth-tomb.

It is just like a Cocoon, in it I am wrapped inside.
Divorced from the world, my perfect way to hide.

Protected, unjudged, allowed to be free, and unplugged.

No one’s here to disturb or mock me.
I’m in a place no one can enter or see.

My privacy is an actuality, not just a mere ideal.
I want true peace of mind, something that’s real.

In the outside world, I feel hated, unwanted and unloved.

Gareth Bryant/2012