My Cocoon-Diaries Part I:

Standard

Author’s note:
My Cocoon-Diaries are poems and/or general writings which contain self-reflections for me, how I’ve been living & how I should’ve not been living, over a significant portion of time that I’ve taken to limit my social-spheres & social-interactions. It’s been a time for me to dig deep within myself, to wrap myself in an anti-social cocoon, to find any & all problems within myself, in order to fix them, with the help of Allah, of course. I know that a lot of people thought it strange of me to just take some steps back from my social-spheres & place limits on my general social-interaction. But, this has been a necessary move on my part, to figure out what exactly is wrong with me, as a Muslim, so that I can further tread the path of guidance, which is Islam, with as little personal obstacles in my path as Humanly possible.This is my journey…
…please, join me:I’ve decided that enough was enough. I’ve been tackling a lot of issues, since the last failed marriage-attempt of mine had run its course. Honestly, there were so many things happening all at once, during the time that the sister, whom I was speaking with at the time, had called things off, that I didn’t even take the time to absorb the fact that it was really over. I just accepted it as it was, another failed marriage-attempt. It was like I didn’t even care whether it had ended. Now, this may or may not have been a good thing for me to not care, but that’s the way it played out.

I would say that the main reason why I chose to emotionally secure myself, via indifference, from this situation was because I was dealing with more pressing issues at the time, like dealing with some ignorant Muslims, who cared more about my dress, than the advice that I had given, during a Khutbah (weekly Islamic religious sermon on Fridays). But, that story in & of itself is for another post, for another day. Anyway, back to the present…
…I was preoccupied with something else to truly encapsulate the fact that this sister was no longer willing to take things further. Honestly, based upon my track-record, I wasn’t even surprised that she opted out. I mean, marriage is the only thing that I’ve ever pursued in my entire life that I’ve been a constant & consistent failure at.

No, I’m not trying to acquire pity-points, I’m being dead-serious. From the time that I was 18 years old, failed attempt after failed attempt, after failed attempt. But, when this particular sister whom I felt really strongly about, thinking that it might actually work called it quits, I had suddenly came to the realization that in light of everything else that had happened during that same weekend, plus the sister calling things off, made me accept the fact that maybe the actual problem lies within me.

Maybe I am the “bad-guy”, maybe I am the arrogant, obnoxious jerk that some people have accused me of lately. Upon that acceptance, it was then that I had decided to establish limitations on which events I would go to, who I would hang around, where I would generally hang out, etc. Now, whether this actually works, to help me improve, well I don’t really know, but hell…at least it’s worth a try. So, in short, those two particular incidents that I had mentioned earlier jump-started my self-reflection odyssey, to find out what is it about me that makes things fall apart in my life, what is it that has caused me to be the man, when it came to non-martial relationships & an utter failure, when it comes to pursuing a spouse, what is it about me that cause some to always wanna be around me & others to regret the day that they’ve ever met me.

Yeah…I know, it’s a lot to figure out, and I’ll probably never figure this out. Yet, I still must venture into this realm of self-evaluation & I have to do this on my own. I just hope that I truly do find a way to rise & improve, before looking back ten years from now & regretting everything that I ever done, viewing myself as a lifelong looser.

My yearning for Isolation:

I wish I were still in the womb.
I’d like to call it my birth-tomb.

It is just like a Cocoon, in it I am wrapped inside.
Divorced from the world, my perfect way to hide.

Protected, unjudged, allowed to be free, and unplugged.

No one’s here to disturb or mock me.
I’m in a place no one can enter or see.

My privacy is an actuality, not just a mere ideal.
I want true peace of mind, something that’s real.

In the outside world, I feel hated, unwanted and unloved.

Gareth Bryant/2012

Advertisements

3 responses »

  1. May Allah make your affairs easy for you. I was blogging surfing and came upon your site, really good reminders. About this post, its not easy, I think thousands of folks in the Muslim community are going through this. If its not the ‘other person’, it may be the ‘the parents’ (yours/hers), and if its not that it could be something else. Insha’Allah all will be made easy by His will. Keep making dua. I’ve actually referred to your post on my blog, hope you don’t mind.

    All the best to you!

  2. Asa Gareth I meet you before I got married and I have to tell you my husband asked so many other sisters before he and I meet and I was not even interested. But two beautiful kiddies later and almost 10years now he still is my best friend.I did want to get married, but only if I could see myself married to myself first. When I could see that, I knew I was ready. But what most folks don’t understand Muslim or other wise is if you are having issues with marriage or in your current marriage, then look to your past. Most issues steam from our past relationships. Relationships with mom dad (or in some cases lack there of ) to be honest with ones self about who you are really looking for,can be very painful. I think you are a fantastic brother and I am very glad to see the path your on, you have grown so much since I saw you and my husband in M.H’S store all the many years ago. I wish more brothers would get their heads out of their**** and stop being cowards, and really learn what this dean is and is not. Stay on the path and the right one will walk right beside you. Making duaa for you brother.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s