My Cocoon-Diaries Part III:

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Author’s note:                                                                                                                               My Cocoon-Diaries are poems and/or general writings which contain self-reflections for me, how I’ve been living & how I should’ve not been living, over a significant portion of time that I’ve taken to limit my social-spheres & social-interactions. It’s been a time for me to dig deep within myself, to wrap myself up in an anti-social cocoon, to find any & all problems within myself, in order to fix them, with the help of Allah, of course. I know that a lot of people thought it strange of me to just take some steps back from my social-spheres & place limits on my general social-interaction. But, this has been a necessary move on my part, to figure out what exactly is wrong with me, as a Muslim, so that I can further tread the path of guidance, which is Islam, with as little personal obstacles in my path as Humanly possible. This is my final installment of these posts of isolation & self-reflection.

This is my journey…

…please, join me:

The Springtime has arrived. Yet, unlike the new flowers in bloom, I’ve still not sprung up from the ground of obscurity. With my mission not yet complete, I still feel the need to press onward, to keep going forward with this journey, as long as it takes. I have become stronger, yet, still yearning for more to improve upon. However, I’m not sure whether I should stop where I am though. I mean, it’s been a pretty lengthy amount of time that I’ve been doing this. This particular season that has befallen us is representative of renewal & rejuvenation. It is my sincere hope that I can truly be one who has rejuvenated into someone who has evolved into someone a lot better than when I had initially started this journey.

If Allah wills, I will be successful at this self-reflective odyssey & get back on track. I have been wondering whether this had been the right decision, doing this all on my own, without really explaining to anyone why I wanted to do this so badly, or why I’ve even decided to do this at all, without even consulting someone else, to perhaps give me some support in all of this. I came to the conclusion that since no one (other than Allah, of course) really knows my problems better than I do, then, it’s only intelligent for me to seek out the solutions to my problems by myself & for myself. I know, it seems kind of selfish to think this way. But, in all reality, self-reflection at its core is a selfish thing: You have to look into yourself, define/redefine yourself, correct yourself, it ends up being all about you anyway.

So, in a since, this would be a positive type of selfishness, only because I yearn to grow & become better. All of my life, I’ve been doing things purposely, to define myself & to constantly, consistently, seek self-improvement. But, very few things that I’ve done actually achieved this desired goal. Becoming a Muslim, in fact, still remains the most important venture of self-discovery, self-definition & self-improvement that I’ve ever embarked upon in my life. Yet, even as a Muslim, there’s still so much that I’ve not tap into, from an Islamic academic perspective (i.e. religiously, I’m still ignorant as hell & need to learn so much more), from a character perspective, from a maturity perspective, and in regards to so many other perspectives, there’s just so much more in which I need to improve upon, for myself & my own self-development, that it’s very often frustrating, that I haven’t achieved that as yet. So, this has become an ample opportunity for me to take the time/make the time to step back and conceal myself, in order to achieve this goal that I’ve set for myself.

The Lifelong Road:

Never did I ever think that my odyssey to find myself would make me even more lost.

However, I must stay the course, find what I’m still looking for, regardless of the cost.

What I need to discover is more important than the pain of treading the road to find it.

Everything in life is hard; however, giving up makes nothing any easier.

It’s better to struggle and never win, than to settle for being the loser.

This world is like a puzzle & I must remove all of the pieces in my life which don’t fit.

This life is but a dense forest; yet, I must clear my own path.

And, it must be done right, to secure me from Allah’s wrath.

Gareth Bryant/2012

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