My Cocoon-Diaries Part II:

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Author’s note:

My Cocoon-Diaries are poems and/or general writings which contain self-reflections for me, how I’ve been living & how I should’ve not been living, over a significant portion of time that I’ve taken to limit my social-spheres & social-interactions. It’s been a time for me to dig deep within myself, to wrap myself up in an anti-social cocoon, to find any & all problems within myself, in order to fix them, with the help of Allah, of course. I know that a lot of people thought it strange of me to just take some steps back from my social-spheres & place limits on my general social-interaction. But, this has been a necessary move on my part, to figure out what exactly is wrong with me, as a Muslim, so that I can further tread the path of guidance, which is Islam, with as little personal obstacles in my path as Humanly possible.

This is my journey…
…please, join me:

My journey to keep myself voluntarily socially limited has been a good experience for me, thus far. It’s allowed me to accept the fact that I am the reason for so many things gone wrong in my life (marriage particularly & especially). It’s compelled me to look at my life as is & figure out where I’ve come from thus far and where I need to take myself further. Also, I’ve learned to realize how many wrong decisions that I’ve made in my past. Thinking back on my past, particularly when it comes to relationships, I noticed that when it came to just being with girls, it was no effort on my part at all. It was like girls would just fall into my lap. There was a situation where that actually happened, but again…that’s another post, for another day…
…anyway…yeah, you get the point. But, unfortunately, every single time that I’ve tried to do things right & get married, it’s been one epic crash-and-burn scenario after another. I started to say to myself, “Well, maybe this is from Allah’s justice, to make me suffer & not get a good sister, as a result of the sins that He chose to not immediately punish me for in the past.”. At the time, much like now, this seems like the only sensible conclusion that I can possibly bring myself to. It could very well be the result of my sinning that has prevented me from getting married. I mean, it does make a lot of sense, considering my horrible track-record, when it comes to the pursuit of marriage.

So, beyond that, there’s the need for me to just improve my connection with Allah, which I have felt that I’ve been not doing enough of, generally, in consolidating this connection. And, perhaps my social-solitude may be able to provide me with the tools to refortify my connection with Him. I’ve been wanting to do this for awhile, to just isolate myself, but I guess that I’ve never really had the courage to do so, to admit that I would actually need to just get away from everything & everyone, at least for a little while, in order to get my life back on-track. The irony is that I seem to have painted a picture of myself as this stand-up kind of guy. But, when I really decided to take a step back & observe myself, I’ve finally realized how much personal improvement I am to make, in order to truly be the Muslim, the man, the Human being that Allah wants, commands & expects me to be.

The Facade that I’ve established:

People always say, “Wow…you’re a really good brother.”.
But, when I see myself, I only really see myself as another.

I see utter ugliness that’s within me, that I don’t want to be revealed.
So far, I’ve done a lot to keep the skeletons in my closet concealed.

However, the truth is all known to Allah, I can’t hide anything from Him.
Don’t be surprised that when I die, my legacy ends up looking quite dim.

Oftentimes, the truth about people are never discovered, until after their demise.
What they hide from the world eventually gets exposed, what an ironic surprise.

My only hope is that Allah spare me embarrassment in death, the way He’s spared me in life.

Gareth Bryant/2012

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