“And never let your hatred, against any People, prevent you from behaving justly.”
(Noble-Qur’ān: Chpt.5, V.8)
My Father went through a lot in their Life. They were born prematurely, not expecting to live beyond 1-Year Old. They had Health-Problems their Entire-Life. And, sadly, they still chose to abuse their Body via Tabacco-Usage & Alcoholism. Their Substance-Abuse Addiction almost exclusively stemmed from their Mother dying when my Father was a Young-Person. My Father never recovered from their Grief of losing their Mother. Substance-Abuse was used by my Father, to mask the Pain they lived with, over their Mother’s Death. When my Father died: they were 51-Years Old & I was 8-Years Old. I remember 2-Weeks prior to their Death: they were receiving At-Home Hospice-Care (they had Lung-Cancer which couldn’t be humanly-cured). My Father had smoked Cigarettes from Age-16 to Age-49 (Age-49 was when they were diagnosed with Lung-Cancer and died 2-Years later). As an 8-Year Old, no one explains these Types/Kinds of Things (in spite of the Fact that they should). All I knew was that my Father, my Male-Parent, my Hero, etc. was gone. I was a Trainwreck, when my Father died. My Grief over my Father’s Death became so severe, that my Mother saw fit that I go into Therapy. I went to Therapy up until my Junior-High School Years (Important-Note: Therapy actually works which is 0-Surprise how/why I’m a Chaplain till This-Day). Then, as I learned more about how/why my Father died: I began to severely despise/hate them.
My Karh/Hatred against my Father was exclusively predicated upon the Fact that they destroyed themselves via Substance-Abuse. Realistically (Allah knows best), they could’ve easily lived another 2-Decades had they never smoked Cigarettes. My Hatred against my Father was so severe, that there were Times I wish that they weren’t my Father at all. When People would tell me that I looked, acted, walked, talked, etc. like my Father: I hated it all. I had wanted 0-Connection with my Father.
And, this is where my Mother comes-in. Literally, one of the Reasons how/why I respect my Mother so highly: they never tolerated me having any Negative-Opinions of my Father. What I’ve aforementioned: I’ve never expressed to my Mother, out of Respect for them & I know that it would’ve greatly disappointed them (especially back when I was a Young-Person). I remember there was a Note which my Father wrote for me…I still have it by the way. My Mother always said to me periodically: “Your Father wrote this, so keep it & don’t lose it.”. In my Mind, at the Time, I was like: “Uff” (an Arabic-Term which basically means “Whateva Nigga”)…it’s a Term which ironically Allah commands Muslims to never say to their Parents. And, periodically, I’d read the Note & really think nothing of it, I really didn’t even care for the Note back then honestly. However, when I became Muslim: my Attitude towards my Father became a 180⁰-Difference, and the Love for them which died with them was resurrected. 1-Day, as a Muslim, I was feeling nostalgic…I looked into an Album of mine & saw the Note my Father wrote for me. And, that’s when the Message of the Note truly hit me hard.
Muhammad (Peace be upon them) stated:
“Whomever disrespects their Parents never enters Paradise.”.
(al-Kabā’ir/The Major-Sins, adh-Dhahabī)
When my Father wrote That-Note, they knew they weren’t going to live long enough to watch me grow-up…they knew they were dying. But, in spite of that: they wanted to leave behind a Fatherly-Legacy, for me to remember them by & to take Pride in. And, via the Mercy-Of-Allah, that was a Mission-Accomplished. It reminded me, back then, what I always tell People currently: Just because the Father wasn’t present doesn’t mean they wanted to be absent.
It doesn’t end there though…there’s Several-Things which I had to do thereafter:
1. I had to make at-Tawbah/Repentance to Allah, for all of Those-Years which I spent hating my Father unjustly.
2. I had to forgive myself, for unjustly hating my Father.
3. I had to forgive my Father, for oppressing themselves via Substance-Abuse.
After completing the Aforementioned-Things: I was finally capable/able to escape my Plantation-Of-Pain, caused by my Unjust-Hatred against my Father. Having the Opportunity (granted by Allah of course) to release the Pain I held against my Father, via my Sadr/Mind&Heart-I became a Better-Person, a More-Liberated Person, a More-Confident Person, a More-Courageous Person, etc.
It’s actually taken a lot out of me, to be this open, vulnerable, truthful, honest, transparent, etc. concerning what I truly harbored via my Mind/Heart. These were very much Intimate-Moments of my Life, which I’ve never shared publicly (to the Extent I’ve detailed) like this here. It’s scary, for anyone to be this Self-Exposed. I literally wrestled with myself, whether or not I should’ve even written this. I even cried about it, cried while I was authoring this, etc. Yet, as I always tell People: Courage isn’t the “Absence-Of-Fear”. Rather, it’s the Willingness&Ability to confront Fear.
I know, for an Absolute-Fact, that my Hadīth/Story concerning my Ab/Father: it’s a Universal-Hadīth. Countless-Humans have experienced what I experienced, as per the Perplexities/Complexities of the Relationship-Dynamics between Father&Son, Father&Child, etc. I’m not an Anomoly. What I’ve articulated, it’s something Countless-Persons have went through & still go through. I’m simply hopeful, that Allah will expand the Sudūr/Minds&Hearts of any/all those who’ve read this…that it grants them the Tawfīq/Empowerment to improve themselves & to free/liberate themselves from their own Plantations-Of-Pain.
Gareth Bryant
Gareth Bryant 